Santa Dan


December 23, 2011

T‘was the night before Christmas Eve when all through the house waft a hideous stench from Kaplan. The children were tucked into their beds with fear that Santa Dan would open their door. The backyard shed was full of elves with clothes pins on their noses while Santa Dan sat across from them in the workshop with his typewriter. The obedient elves worked their fingers to the bone breaking the toys to be delivered the next evening to the unsuspecting boys and girls on the naughty list.

There were ornaments of greed hung carelessly in the rafters and a phony plastic Rudolph bought at WalMart that stood in the yard. Rudolph with his nose so bright had duct tape covering his brilliancy as Santa Dan insisted should be done. The elves in the shed wondered if duct tape worked better than clothes pins to keep the stench at bay.

Santa Dan rubbed his hands together in maniacal anticipation as he tapped, tapped, tapped a letter to the Editor of the newspaper from his typewriter. He would deliver the letter himself on Christmas Eve to explain that all the good boyz and girls will be sprayed with a chemtrail of poison from his sleigh if they did not do the bidding of Grinch Couvillon.

Deep, deep, deep in the Culdesac was a witch with a crystal ball. She was at the top of the naughty list so, of course, she was Santa Dan‘s favorite. She stroked her hands over the confused ball of crystal and asked, “Who is the fairest Maiden of All?”

The crystal ball answered. “Go ask the Woodsman in the Magic Mirror, that's not my job you dumb witch.”

But the witch of the Culdesac didn‘t have a magic mirror so she wrote a letter to Santa. And like all naughty boys and girls, her letter landed in Santa Dan‘s mailbox, in Kaplan.

Dear Santa, she wrote, please bring me a magic mirror for Christmas so that I may speak to the Woodsman and convince him that I am the fairest Maiden of all.

Santa Dan of Kaplan opened the letter from the Witch of the Culdesac and laughed a laugh while holding his belt full of giggling flab. With lightning fast fingers he typed the Witch a short note that said, “I‘ll deliver all you deserve backed up with a Grinch Couvillon guarantee for your jelly filled muffin top is priceless in the land of greed.”

The Witch of the Culdesac reveled in glee, knowing her magic mirror was guaranteed by the high and mighty Grinch Couvillon.

Meanwhile the Woodsman had no sugar plumbs dancing in his head. He watched as his own magic mirror showed him the Grinch Couvillion enjoying that aromatic stench from Kaplan. Then Grinch Couvillon grew bigger and bigger until the Woodsman refused to look no more.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall”, said the Woodsman, “we both know who is the fairest one of all.”

At that moment, with those words from the Woodsman, a dark cloud came over the crystal ball inside the Culdesac of the Witch. The evil Witch stroked and stroked trying to soothe the ball of crystal and inside it came a vision of Stell Lee saying, “I told ya so.”

The confused Witch of the Culdesac threw her arms in the air dramatically. “Just wait”, she told the Crystal Ball. “Santa Dan has promised me a magic mirror for Christmas and it‘s guaranteed by the high and mighty Grinch Couvillon. That magic mirror will prove that I can say and do whatever I want. And I want a magic mirror that says I‘m the fairest maiden of all!!!! LOL lol LOL lol!!!!”

The Crystal Ball turned black and quiet hearing the wicked words from the Witch.

On Christmas Eve, the holiest day of the year, the Witch prepared a snack for Santa Dan. It was high in saturated fats from animal flesh, sure to please Santa Dan and promote his body odor. The Witch went to bed and tossed and turned with anticipation while sour lemons danced in her head.

On Christmas morning the Witch ran to the tree to find the glittering reality of miracles. And there, hanging on the trailer wall was a mirror void of reflection. A sly grin came over the Witches face as she stood before the Mirror. “Come forth Woodsman!”, she ordered. “Show me, Who is the fairest maiden of all?!!”

Immediately the mirror produced the reflection of a handsome and strong Woodsman. He was standing at the shores of a crystal blue river skipping stones across the placid surface of the water. A sincere smile came over his face as he turned to face the Witch.

The Witch became weak in the knees as she gazed into his Truth filled eyes. As she watched, the Woodsman‘s heart grew and grew until the mirror shifted its gaze toward a mist filled meadow.

The shape of a beautiful woman appeared who walked closer and closer until the Witch recognized the woman wasn‘t her. With horror, the Witch watched the handsome Woodsman run to greet Dawn Marcelle.

In hysterical realization the Witch of the Culdesac had a melt down. Seriously, she literally melted into the floor with shame never to be seen again. The guarantee from the high and mighty Grinch Couvillon was never trusted again and Santa Dan started using deodorant.

And the people of the land lived happily ever after.